The Prodigal Daughter

As a La Europa girl moves through each step, they are granted more and more privileges.  Miya reached Step 3 towards the end of July and was now allowed to come home for her first home pass; a long weekend. Miya’s therapist and I determined that it was fitting that Miya come home the weekend before my birthday.  I made her air reservations and started making plans for her homecoming.  After the last Parent Weekend, La Europa suggested that parents should begin to build a home support system for our daughter’s permanent return.  I turned to Miya’s local therapist who has known us for nearly six years.  She suggested that I try to replicate Miya’s structured La Europa schedule.  I went into action and had each day of the week-end planned from the time we got up to the time we went to bed.  This included exercise time, a trip to the mall, manicure/pedicure day, barbecue with her best friend, and a request by her therapist to sit together at the end of the day talking about how we felt the day went.  I was set to go!!!  The road, however, between moving to Step 3 and the travel day seemed like an eternity.  Not only because I had been waiting for months for this moment, but because a couple of incidents put Miya back on safety―which could eliminate her opportunity for this home pass altogether.

The first incident occurred when the girls were taken on an outside activity to a lake.  They encountered a guy throwing rocks at a duck; eventually killing the animal.  My impulsive daughter, and her tender heart for animals, began throwing rocks at the guy and cursing him out.  I was proud that she had the heart to stand up for the animal, but not how she handled the situation. Obviously La Europa was not either, especially as it related to Miya’s safety.

The second was Miya’s threats to two staff members.  We are finding that Miya tends to "jump on the bandwagon" with her peers or tries to protect her peers who are angry or upset at the detriment of herself.  This particular incident was a prime example and unfortunately the catalyst for putting her on safety. 

It was not until recently, during a VERY painful family therapy session, I learned of Miya’s need to protect others from pain―she would rather endure the pain than the other person.  It was also during this session that I learned that Miya felt she needed to protect me from the verbal abuse of my ex-husband when she was small. There are not enough words to express the guilt I felt at that moment.

The intent of the home pass is to allow the girls to test the coping skills they have learned and put them into practice. It wasn’t until two days before Miya was to depart Salt Lake City that I learned Miya was off safety and had been approved for this home pass.  I was thrilled, but anxious about what might transpire during her visit. So many scenarios ran through my mind, but the main thing I wanted to ensure was that we had quality time together. Miya did not learn of her homecoming until the day before departure, but listening to her excitement settled some of my fears. 

Knowing how much Miya loves her dogs, I wanted them to make the trek to the airport with me. One of my worries was how they would react to Miya and whether or not they would remember her.  I knew if they didn’t, Miya would be crushed. This was a major celebration for our family and on the day of Miya’s homecoming, we jumped in the “bye-bye car” and off we went to the airport.

Miya had made the decision that she didn’t want me to meet her at the gate.  My initial reaction was one of hurt, but after a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with myself, I knew my daughter was experiencing growth. This time last year, my fear-based daughter would have been afraid to fly alone.  She was tackling her fears and I was proud.  I told her I was going to exercise my parental right to embarrass her, but once I saw her coming down the escalator, those liberties were overcome with tears and open arms.  People were celebrating the return of their military loved ones and I was right there with them.  My baby was home!

Overall, it was a good week-end. There were a few bumps along the way, but Miya was able to recover quickly; a far cry from the rage, anger, and defiance she left with.  She was very respectful of the boundaries and rules that were imposed on her by her La Europa therapist, as well as home rules.  She seemed more responsible and told me she felt more confident.

I was determined to keep her on the structured schedule I had outlined, however she respectfully declined the trip to the mall and the manicure/pedicure day. It became apparent that Miya really was content to just be home. The greatest enjoyment was the time we spent cooking together. I realized there was so much I hadn’t taught her and wanted to make sure I invested in this opportunity to explain some cooking fundamentals; time that had been robbed of us during our traumatic journey before La Europa.

Putting her back on the plane was hard for both of us. She was very quiet while we waited for the boarding call―and I could sense her apprehension.  I was determined to be strong for us both. A lady in line apparently had been watching Miya and me.  Just as Miya entered the ramp to board the plane, the woman said, “You two are so precious, is that your baby?”  I could only nod my head up and down. At that point my strength had given in to tears.

The Amygdala Expedition

The Amygdala (amygdalae; plural) are a pair of small organs within the medial temporal lobes of the brain. The amygdala are part of the limbic system and their primary role is in the processing and memory of emotional reactions such as the anxiety reaction or 'flight or fight' response.  The Amygdala reacts to fear conditioning.

I recently returned from my second Parent Week-end at LaEuropa.  Salt Lake City is so much prettier in the summer time and I had a new appreciation for the city.  You can almost reach out and touch the mountains that surround it. Their strong, rugged structure comforted me and I felt protected in their presence.

Miya looked good―healthy and happy.  Just like the mountains surrounding the city, the exercise and activity at LaEuropa is making Miya’s body strong and firm.  She’s more independent and has settled into a life there. It saddened me, however, as I quickly realized Miya and I are now living two separate lives. And it saddened me more every time she would refer to LaEuropa as “home.” I know this was just a response to my own insecurities. Her independence and emotional growth were only stirring up my own fears. It was through these fears that I made the conscious decision to observe Miya in her element and to always be “in the moment.” 

As with each Parent Weekend, the girls put on a Fine Arts Festival. Miya participated in 3 events for the show. She and 4 others girls dressed up as male rappers and danced to the Backstreet Boys song, “That Way.” Miya was a real hambone and stole the show!  She also participated in a moving dance interpretation to “All the Colors of the Wind.” Last, but not least, she modeled the outfit she had created in fashion class.  The assignment was to reconstruct a garment the girls had purchased from the local thrift store. I delighted in her smiling face and watching her entertain in front of a group of people―something she would never have done a year ago.  All in all, I couldn’t be more proud of her and the woman she is becoming. She is doing well in school (even an A in Algebra), and all of the teachers commented on her good manners and willingness to help them.  It’s clear to see that LaEuropa has become Miya’s safe haven.  It’s very structured and every girl is dealing with some issue, so Miya doesn’t feel like the odd man out. It’s a very positive environment and there is something going on at all times. There is no time to get bored or get into trouble.

This Parent Weekend seemed to be more dedicated to me, than Miya or Miya and I.  I was assigned to 3 sessions on my own: Emotional Reactivity (learning about the Amygdala); Relapse Prevention Planning for Parents; and Parenting Styles.  Not only did I get a great deal out of the classes, but it provided me with a great opportunity to get to know some of the parents on a more personal level.  While our girls are all dealing with separate issues, we share two things in common: where we have been and where we are going.

Miya and I did to get some bonding time, as she was allowed to spend Friday night with me at the hotel. We went out to a lovely restaurant in downtown Salt Lake and contributed to the Salt Lake economy with hours of shopping on Saturday.

Miya has been struggling with the completion of her Level 2 work and move on to Level 3. For some reason, a couple of simple tasks seem to be holding her back from completing this level. The staff feel she is in a place to move to level 3, but wanted to instill the importance of completing all assignments before she moves to the next stage. Once a girl reaches level 3, she is allowed to come home for a long weekend; something I've been anxiously waiting to have happen for weeks.

Miya is very good at shutting down instead of dealing with things that might be too painful for her. Miya’s therapist and I felt she could possibly be sabotaging herself to avoid coming home. After observing and talking with her over the weekend, it’s not that she’s afraid to come home, I believe she’s afraid to leave LaEuropa.

Miya at La Europa - June 2011

Root of Destruction

During the second level, a LaEuropa girl begins the journey of understanding what her Core Issues (toxic shame) are and how they impact her behavior and emotions. She also explores patterns that have lead to self-destruction. The goal then is to replace a deep negative meaning with a positive core meaning and learn to live according to the positive meanings.

I recently returned from my first Parent weekend at LaEuropa (April 7 - 9); the first time Miya and I had seen one another in 3 months. Coming into the weekend I tried very hard not to have any expectations. I truly didn’t know what to expect, but wanted to make sure the healing journey was Miya’s and not mine. Overall, Miya seemed more calm, more confident, more independent, and moving in the right direction.  The weekend, however, left me emotionally exhausted (it took me about a week to process all of it), but inspired by what I saw and experienced. 

Arriving at La Europa the first morning was exciting and I was full of anticipation. Driving up I could see the girls peering out of the windows with their precious little faces pressed against the door¾each waiting in anticipation for their parent(s).  Once I emerged from the car, Miya came running out to greet me and we were locked in an indescribable hug that I wanted to go on forever.  I just wanted to touch her, feel her, and have her as close to me as possible. Once inside she began introducing me as her “beautiful, little mom” and there was genuine pride in her voice.  We were all treated to a fabulous breakfast and then we were off to begin our family agenda that had been assigned to us; 1 full day on Thursday and a majority of the day on Friday. 

The agenda for Miya and me on Thursday included taking and evaluating the Meyers-Briggs personality style with several other families. The interesting thing was that most of the girls were extroverts and the parents were introverts. Miya and I were no exception, but we did score the same on the intuitive, feeling, and judging section. The afternoon session was on levels of communication and how our comments can have an impact on the other person’s self-worth¾a real “eye-opener.”  That evening we were treated to La Europa’s Fine Arts Festival. A moving inspiration where the girls showed off their talents through song, dance, instrumentals, and a featured artist who displayed her photography and painting works.  Miya and girls from her Fashion Design class modeled their Lady Gaga outfit; an assignment where they had to use recycled materials.

Friday morning I was not greeted by Miya, but by one of the staff who informed me that Miya had a rough night after I dropped her off on Thursday evening.  She kicked a hole in the wall and yanked some lights out of the wall. I was mortified, but the staff looked at this as a positive because this was the first side of anger they had seen Miya display, and were encouraged that this could be a breakthrough to her self-healing.

Miya and I were assigned to 3½ hours of team building and role playing during Friday’s session.  This was extremely emotional because it not only forced Miya and me to relive our pain, but we also intimately listened to other girls reenacting their issues and family struggles. Hearing about the other girl’s problems that brought them to La Europa was inconceivable.  The stories I heard left me sad, helpless, angry, and numb. What our young people are subjected to these days is frightening!  During one of our alone times, I asked Miya how she felt about some of the other girl’s stories. She responded with thankfulness because she had been protected from being introduced to the elements that had caused so much sadness for these girls. That response helped me realize that I had made the right decision to send Miya to La Europa. For in time, the other girl’s stories could have easily been our reality.

Saturday was a day for alone time. Miya and I enjoyed an early morning movie and then it was off to get her hair trimmed. I had made Miya an appointment, but not knowing the area or salons I relied on the internet.  At our appointed time we drove up to a quaint little home off a major street.  I don’t know what my expression looked like when we entered the salon, but it had to be blank astonishment coupled with fear. For in that instance I realized all of the operators were older than me and I had brought Miya to a senior citizen salon. There before me sat little old ladies in their perm rods under the hair dryer.  I probably was more horrified than Miya. She handled it very well and actually the ladies were very entertaining. A perfect reprieve from the emotionally-charged past two days and the hairstylist did an incredible job.  God does have a sense of humor!!!

After the senior citizen salon, it was back to La Europa before we had to say our good-byes and my return to Sacramento.  After Thursday’s night’s incident, I purposely asked Miya to find a place in the house where she and I could be alone.  My emotions took over and I didn’t want to leave her.  The more I cried, the more she became the parent trying to console me.

The week following Parent’s Week-end, Miya had an altercation with one of the staff. Obviously this coupled with her kicking a hole in the wall and my visit must have triggered Miya’s Root of Destruction. Miya has yet to fully uncover her Root of Destruction (Core Issue), but she did verbally recognize that kicking a hole in the wall was her response to her fear of my leaving Thursday night. She is anxious about many things, but I think abandonment probably ranks the highest on her fear level.  I know she worries about me and what will happen to her if something happens to me.

During a family session a couple of weeks following my visit, Miya shared the fear she has of my ex-husband’s return into our life.  I listened intently, but couldn’t help but feel guilty for what I had subjected my daughter to.  Much to my shame I realized I had put my happiness above that of my daughters.

Dedication

Many books begin with a dedication; an acknowledgement to those who supported the author in one way or another. As the author of this Blog, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge how much comfort I have found in the words, the prayers, the support and the concern that have been bestowed on Miya and I.  These words have given me so much peace and comfort¾I am continuously humbled.

You are a strong, brave woman and I admire you!     Co-worker

You are not alone. If you feel like sharing, I know this is not easy, or need an understanding shoulder, I am here.     Friend and Mother of adopted Child

You are amazing¾I can see why God choose you to be Miya’s mom. He knew exactly what Miya would need, and it was you.  Just incredible.     Friend

What a journey.  It must be therapeutic for you to journal the past and the progress.  Someday you will read it and say that was so long ago and what beautiful young women Miya has become.  Keep writing and thanks for sharing.     Friend

I’m so happy that Miya is making progress and that you both are on the right path to a healthier relationship and helping ensure she has the tools to meet her potential and be happy in life! That is the one wish we all share as parents, that we want our children to have happy, healthy, productive lives when they reach adulthood.              Co-worker

Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you and we both know who is leading this adventure for a New Beginning.  I am so very proud of you Nancy. It takes a lot of Love and strength to make these type of decisions. Thank you for stepping out in FAITH.     Family Member

You are magic XieXie (sister) for the New Year’s note and beyond admiration for you.     Friend and Mother of adopted Child

I applaud your courage to take this step with Miya.     Co-worker

I have a new respect and admiration for you.     Friend

You have my total support. . .you have done exactly the right thing¾for Miya and yourself.     Friend and Mother of adopted Child

I had a number of inquires and thought I'd check and see if there's been any update on Miya.     Prayer group, Oregon Church

Just know that you are in my thoughts. You have done amazing things.  I want the best for you and your daughter. If she needs a family away from home or you need family/support we are here.  Your story has touched me!     Co-worker, Salt Lake City

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your faith and trust in the Lord through this difficult time is an inspiration to us all. We'll keep you and your daughter Miya in our prayers, praying for God's healing, strength, and wisdom in this journey.     K-Love Radio

When Denial Surrenders to Reality

The hardest part about having our family counseling sessions over the phone is that I can’t see Miya. I’m a visual person and everything tells a story for me if I have something visually to compare it to. However, during one of our family sessions a couple of weeks ago the mom in me kicked in and I could tell the moment Miya got on the phone that things were not right. Her usual sweet, perky voice was very solemn. When I asked her what was wrong, the phone went silent and because I couldn’t see her, I could only envision tears. Of course the last thing we, as moms, want to see is our babies in tears. My heart began to ache. Miya’s counselor asked why she was crying. For what seemed like an eternity, we all sat there in silence. I'm so guilty for not allowing Miya to communicate her feelings and have projected what I thought she was feeling on her instead. My reality is that as a child I was never asked to discuss my feelings or if I was, I did not feel safe to discuss them for fear of rejection or criticism. Now I’m learning that I must allow Miya to express her own feelings and provide her the emotional safety to express them.

As we sat there in silence, I instinctively started asking feelings questions wanting her to come to my conclusions. Her therapist respectfully reeled me back in and asked that Miya communicate those feelings. For what seemed like an eternity we sat in silence. Bottom line, the honeymoon at La Europa was over for Miya. She now had to face things she had either chosen not to face or work to change things that had become subconsciously engrained.

Subsequent to that week, Miya passed level one and moved on to Level 2! 

I will have the opportunity to visit Miya during Parent’s weekend April 6 – 8. There will be planned activities during the weekend, but now that Miya has reached Level 2, I will also be able to do some things with her off campus. Of course her first request has been shopping!

Since Miya entered La Europa I’ve had a couple of friends, who adopted internationally, reach out to me. In both cases, they have either placed or know of friends who have placed their adopted children in a place similar to La Europa. The complexity of adoption for these children is so hard to fathom. Their search “for self” is so unsettled and incomplete. Imagine wanting to know if you look like your biological parents or if your biological parents are even dead or alive. Imagine the guilt you would feel thinking that you caused your biological parents to abandon or give you up for adoption. Magnify these feelings by what a normal adolescent struggles with and you have all the main ingredients for a major implosion.

Hearing from these friends has convinced me that there must be so many families out there who are struggling with the same issues, feeling isolated and alone¾like I did for so many years. God has begun placing it on my heart to use our story to help others. I’m choosing to wait on God’s direction as opposed to my usual “let’s get ‘er done mode.” I’m excited at the prospect of things to come and there are so many paths He could take me. This has become my REALITY!

Shedding the Shell

Level 1 for a girl at La Europa is dedicated to Emotional Safety. Through a series of assignments, the girl learns not only about wellness and nutrition, but also to recognize and understand where her emotions come from. The goal is to become emotionally honest and learn what it means to have trusting relationships. These goals are correlated to the hardness of a lobster’s shell. When a lobster outgrows its shell, it instinctively sheds its shell and the membrane inside forms the lobster’s next shell.  However this can be a very risky process, because the lobster is subjecting itself to being tossed against a coral reef or eaten by predators. In other words, it is risking its life in order to grow. As humans we are guilty of continuing old habits or staying in a rut, staying in a bad relationship because it’s safe; nothing can happen to us. On the other hand, if we’re willing to make ourselves vulnerable and take risks, we’re able to grow.

Each week Miya and I have a 60-minute session with her therapist. For the past two weeks she and I have discussed what emotional safety means to each of us and how we’ve each contributed to “emotional unsafety” between us. This has been an eye opener. Yikes, actually verbalizing what emotionally safety meant to me gave me pause. Then we focused on trust. When Miya’s therapist asked her about trust, Miya stated she wasn’t really sure what “trust” felt like, but thought it was the same thing as love. Her answer really pulled at my heart strings. It made me feel sad to know she hadn’t felt trust, but also helped me to understand why she periodically told me sometimes she trusted me and sometimes she didn’t. If she equates trust with love, then there must have been times she felt more love from me than others. It also helped me recognize that the tribulations over the past year put us in a vicious cycle.  Her acting out, me taking away privileges and monitoring her every move because I didn’t trust her, just made her feel I didn’t love her, and then she continued to act out.  It also told me that when boys pay attention to her she feels love and why she puts more trust in them than she should.

It’s overwhelming to see that this process is going to take baby steps, but I count them as baby steps in the right direction.

On a more uplifting note, she has received positive leader for the past 3-consecutive weeks, which awards her added privileges. She loves her Fashion Design class. The assignment for that class is to design and make a Lady Gaga outfit. The girls will then model the outfits during parent’s weekend in April.  She wouldn’t tell me much about the outfit she is designing for herself, because she wants it to be a surprise.  During one of our calls Miya said, “Mom the only thing I will tell you is that the skirt is lime green!” I had to laugh because I was not at all surprised, since that is the color of her room. She went on to tell me that one of the other girls is making her outfit out of potato chip bags.  In explaining this to me, she said, “Mom we had to eat 2 bags of potato chips the other night.” To which I replied, “Oh you had to huh.”  “Yes mom. It was mandatory!”