When Denial Surrenders to Reality

The hardest part about having our family counseling sessions over the phone is that I can’t see Miya. I’m a visual person and everything tells a story for me if I have something visually to compare it to. However, during one of our family sessions a couple of weeks ago the mom in me kicked in and I could tell the moment Miya got on the phone that things were not right. Her usual sweet, perky voice was very solemn. When I asked her what was wrong, the phone went silent and because I couldn’t see her, I could only envision tears. Of course the last thing we, as moms, want to see is our babies in tears. My heart began to ache. Miya’s counselor asked why she was crying. For what seemed like an eternity, we all sat there in silence. I'm so guilty for not allowing Miya to communicate her feelings and have projected what I thought she was feeling on her instead. My reality is that as a child I was never asked to discuss my feelings or if I was, I did not feel safe to discuss them for fear of rejection or criticism. Now I’m learning that I must allow Miya to express her own feelings and provide her the emotional safety to express them.

As we sat there in silence, I instinctively started asking feelings questions wanting her to come to my conclusions. Her therapist respectfully reeled me back in and asked that Miya communicate those feelings. For what seemed like an eternity we sat in silence. Bottom line, the honeymoon at La Europa was over for Miya. She now had to face things she had either chosen not to face or work to change things that had become subconsciously engrained.

Subsequent to that week, Miya passed level one and moved on to Level 2! 

I will have the opportunity to visit Miya during Parent’s weekend April 6 – 8. There will be planned activities during the weekend, but now that Miya has reached Level 2, I will also be able to do some things with her off campus. Of course her first request has been shopping!

Since Miya entered La Europa I’ve had a couple of friends, who adopted internationally, reach out to me. In both cases, they have either placed or know of friends who have placed their adopted children in a place similar to La Europa. The complexity of adoption for these children is so hard to fathom. Their search “for self” is so unsettled and incomplete. Imagine wanting to know if you look like your biological parents or if your biological parents are even dead or alive. Imagine the guilt you would feel thinking that you caused your biological parents to abandon or give you up for adoption. Magnify these feelings by what a normal adolescent struggles with and you have all the main ingredients for a major implosion.

Hearing from these friends has convinced me that there must be so many families out there who are struggling with the same issues, feeling isolated and alone¾like I did for so many years. God has begun placing it on my heart to use our story to help others. I’m choosing to wait on God’s direction as opposed to my usual “let’s get ‘er done mode.” I’m excited at the prospect of things to come and there are so many paths He could take me. This has become my REALITY!